When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
