does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
