He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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