Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
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Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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