Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
