the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
