have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
