i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
