Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
