I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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