He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
