Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There's even glitter on my cock...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
