My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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