Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
