I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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