I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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