Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
