I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You ruined the universe
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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