Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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