Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
