I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i need some magic done to my vagina
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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