Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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