these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
