I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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