I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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