I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
