I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
