I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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