woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
