I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
