just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
