So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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