my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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