make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
