just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
