There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
