Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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