She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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