I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
