It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We named our party play list daddy issues
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
