4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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