Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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