Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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