There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
