I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
