the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
