I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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