apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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