A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
