also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
