just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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