My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
