i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
