Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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