she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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