turn off your phone and go to bed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices